I am safe, but my mind and body don’t know that
The memories are there, constantly, popping up involuntarily, causing me to feel like it’s happening all over again. My mind is trapped, I can’t forget. Flashbacks take me right back, when I least expect it, like my own personal horror movie that I can’t switch off.
I can’t sleep, and when I do I’m flooded with terrifying nightmares which force me to relive that night. I wake up distressed, as if it’s just happened.
I’m constantly on edge, scared or angry. Sometimes these feelings come on suddenly, they may be triggered by something specific or they might be completely random.
There’s very few people I trust, because look what happened the last time I trusted someone. Although now I am starting to trust the odd person, I will never be able to trust people like I did before.
There are so many triggers, specific words or sounds, locked doors, knives, certain aged men, anyone getting angry, along with so many others. Sometimes you don’t even realise something is a trigger.
My body is constantly in fight or flight mode, sometimes I go into attack mode for seemingly no reason, until you are back in that painful place.
The body doesn’t forget.